My Favorite Silly/Awesome Things Rappers Have Ever Said

“Climb behind vagina, then I hymen grind her.”

- Cam’ron, “Harlem Streets”

In an action that I cannot imagine being comfortable for either party involved, Cam’ron manages to position himself behind a woman’s vagina (presumably in her fallopian tubes or uterus) and “grind” all over her hymen.

In addition, according to Wikipedia, “Many sources, including romance novels or anything that describes virginity loss, mistakenly indicate that the hymen is somewhere up inside the vagina. This is a common misconception. The hymen is part of the external genitalia.” So, therefore, Cam’ron’s repositioning of himself is actually counterproductive to his goals. He should have stayed in front of vagina, to better grind the woman’s hymen.

Swim Through Frequencies cannot fathom why anyone on this earth would want to do this.

“Who knew you could fit on your wrist a whole pound of diamonds?”

- T.I., “King Back”

This line is awesome because of how I picture T.I. coming to this realization, in an Unbreakable-ish sort of scene where, after piling several ounces of diamonds on his wrist, he kept demanding, “More weight.” After his discovery, he felt it extremely necessary to inform the listening public that it is, in fact, possible to fit an entire pound of diamonds on your wrist if you have that sort of disposable cash.

“I'm super I'll make a bitch squirm for my, Super Sperm”

- Method Man, “Method Man”

The entirety of “Method Man” really deserves to be quoted in this list, but I don’t really have the room. Method Man says things like “Paddycake paddycake/ Hey! The Method Man!” in this song, but nothing is quite as silly or misguided as the above quoted line.

As far as I can tell, Method Man is trying to express that women have an intense desire to receive his sperm, which has some sort of wonderful power. However, his choice of the word “squirm,” while it is an obvious enough choice to rhyme with “sperm,” conjures up images of girls being held prisoner while they struggle to get away, rather than willingly accepting (or hankering after) Meth’s little Men.

On top of that (feel free to correct me if I’m wrong here) I doubt there are very many girls who, no matter who they’re sleeping with, actually are after the sperm of said man. Those tend to be just an unpleasant after effect, rather than the prize. Maybe with Method Man, it’s different case.

Still, gross.

“Niggas ask why I use my glock. Cause it’s 2003, motherfucker! I refuse to box.”

- Trife, “Biscuts”

This, like the T.I. quote, is funny and awesome because of the scene that must be occurring around Trife at the time:

*Trife shoots a guy*

BYSTANDER: Hey, Trife. I noticed that you chose to shoot that man with a gun, instead of challenging him to a boxing match. Why is that?

TRIFE: Man, haven’t you seen a calendar lately? It’s 2003, man. Guns are in. Boxing is old hat.

This line can also be applied to Trife busting a cap in a punching bag, Trife answering a challenge by Apollo Creed, Trife being annoyed by a cartoon Kangaroo that he thinks is a mouse, and Trife attempting to mail a present to his mom by shoving it in the barrel of his gun and slapping a stamp on it instead of gift wrapping it.

“Sit on my lap. It’s not a gat, sugar.”

- Ghostface Killah, “Good”

When taking a job as a mall Santa every year, Ghostface must reassure his young customers that what they feel underneath them is not a concealed weapon, but simply his erect penis.

“Runnin around here like some brand new pussy that's about to get fucked”

- DMX, “What’s My Name?”

In another borderline pedophilic line, DMX compares “Rap niggas” who are “still actin up” despite DMX’s numerous reminders that this is not a fucking game to a band spanking new vagina that is moments away from participating in intercourse.

Now, unless a woman has something along the lines of a Vaginal Transplant (which I just made up), “brand new pussy” cannot really be anything other than an infant’s vagina fresh out of the womb. Why anyone in their right mind would want to have sex with this infant, how said infant would “run around,” and why DMX would ever, ever burn such a horrifying image into my mind are all left unanswered.

“I get head in the strangest places.”

- Lil’ Wayne, “Suck It or Not”

Cam’ron and Lil’ Wayne talk a lot about how many beej’s they get in this song, and I guess the listener is supposed to sort of smile awkwardly and say, “Good for you,” while patting them condescendingly. This line is particularly interesting, however, because Wayne refuses to clarify which places, specifically, he is receiving fellatio, leaving it all up to the listener’s imagination. Some of my favorites:

On top of a blimp as it crashes to the ground

The Cretaceous period

The admissions office of Liberty University

On the set of The ‘L’ Word