A Change of Pace

I’ll take a break from music for a little while to discuss Vanity Fair’s list of The Top 10 Funniest Simpsons Episodes. The list is not terrible, with only one obvious error but a few glaring omissions. I don’t know how they include an episode that even THEY admit “loses some steam” in the “final act” when there are so many perfect Simpsons episodes that don’t have that problem.

I consider myself something of a Simpsons aficionado, so I offer up my own:

Top 10 Funniest Simpsons Episodes Ever

10. Homer at the Bat

Mister Burns, determined to win a company softball game against his rival, Aristotle Amadopolous of the Shelbyville plant, hires an all-star team of baseball players to ‘work’ at the plant. Eight out of the nine of them suffer wacky ailments and Darryl Strawberry and Homer are forced to win the game.

Great Moments: Third baseman Wade Boggs misses the game after being slugged by Barney during a heated argument about the better British Prime Minister: Lord Palmerston or Pitt the elder. The best part of this argument is the utter lack of context provided for it.

09. Two Bad Neighbors

George H.W. Bush moves into a mansion on Evergreen Terrace that has never been seen before nor again. Homer and Bart develop an intense dislike for the former president, and the three prank each other back and forth until the Bushes leave town.

Great Moments: Gerald Ford moves in to the house immediately after the Bushes leave. His exchange with Homer (“Do you like football?” “Yes.” “Do you like beer?” “Yes!”) is one of the funniest in the show. Also, George Bush says scores of things that rank as classic Simpsons quotes, including, but not limited to, “I’ll ruin you like a Japanese banquet! And “If they think George Bush won’t go into the sewer, they don’t know George Bush.”

08. Bart of Darkness

A spot-on parody of Hitchcock’s Rear Window, Bart breaks his leg and spies on Flanders, who he thinks killed Maude. The Simpsons install a pool, which makes Lisa temporarily popular.

Great Moments: Bart dials 911 and reaches the Police Department equivalent of Moviefone. After the pre-recorded operator asks him to type in the code that corresponds to the crime being committed, a frustrated Bart randomly hits numbers. The voice on the other line says, “You have selected Regicide. If you know the name of the king or queen being murdered, press 1.” Bart hangs up.

07. Homie the Clown

Krusty is going out of business, so he opens up a bunch of Krusty Klown Kolleges. Homer attends one and starts posing as the real Krusty at occasions that Krusty feels are beneath him. He is mistaken for the real Krusty by the mob, who keeps trying to kill him.

Great Moments: Krusty bets huge on the Washington Generals, a basketball team playing against the Harlem Globetrotters (“I thought they were due!”). He yells at the TV, “He’s spinning the ball on his finger! Just take it!”

Also, when Homer is posing as Krusty to buy a new car, the mob begins sniping at him. They miss repeatedly, hitting the car Homer’s looking at. When Homer asks what the holes are for, the salesman says, “Those are speed holes. They make the car go faster.” When the mob shoots the car again, the salesman says, “You know what I think? I think you should buy this car.”

06. Homer the Great

Homer gains admittance to the secret, ancient society of Stonecutters, led by Number One (voiced by the incomparable Patrick Stewart). After disgracing himself, he is discovered to be The Chosen One, and is immediately appointed to lead the society. Eventually, the society gets fed up, disbands and changes their name to “The Ancient Mystic Society of No Homers”

Great Moments: To cheer Homer up about losing his followers, Marge tells him that he’s already a member of The Simpson Family. She says it’s “A very exclusive club” with only five members, and that only two of those members have “special rings.” At that, both Bart and Lisa say, “Yeah!” raise their hands, Wonder-Twins style, displaying big plastic rings that make whistling noises.

05. A Streetcar Named Marge

Marge, looking for some excitement in her life, auditions for the musical version of A Streetcar Named Desire, called Oh! Streetcar! The musical destroys the meaning of the original play in traditional Simpsons parody glory. Homer learns a valuable lesson about cherishing his wife.

Great Moments: In a parody of The Birds, Homer, Bart, and Lisa go to pick up Maggie from the Ayn Rand School for Tots. Maggie had recently led a revolt in the nursery, which ended with all the babies retrieving their confiscated pacifiers. When Homer and the kids show up, hundreds of babies are perched around the room, the collective sound of their pacifier-sucking echoing through the school. Homer tiptoes through the kids, picks up Maggie, and leaves. Once out side he shudders and says, with terror in his voice, “Babies.”

04. Marge vs. The Monorail

A Simpsons classic. Burns is fined $3 million for dumping nuclear waste, and the town tries to decide what to do with it. Phil Hartman (the show lacks something integral without him, he was a genius) voices Lyle Lanley, a conman who sells the town a monorail. Marge opposes the idea, and rightfully so: the entire thing goes to hell. Eventually, Homer, who took a job as a monorail operator, saves the day.

Great Moments: Leonard Nimoy is chosen as the celebrity to ride the monorail on its maiden voyage. At the end of the episode, after Homer saves everyone, Nimoy says to no one in particular, “My job here is done.” Barney replies, “What do you mean? You didn’t do anything.” Nimoy simply chuckles and says, “Didn’t I?” before being beamed up.

03. Homer vs. The 18^th Amendment

After Bart accidentally gets drunk in public and caught on camera, a group of angry mothers demand prohibition for the town. An old, never enforced, prohibition law is found on the books, and the town’s alcohol is disposed of. Rex Banner, an Elliot Ness parody, replaces Chief Wiggum and Homer begins bootlegging liquor.

Great Moments: Homer and Bart leave the house to deliver the liquor to Moe’s. On his way out, Homer yells, “We’re going out, Marge! If we don’t come back, avenge our deaths!” to which Marge simply replies, “Ok!”

Moe disguises his bar as a pet store. When the police bust through the door, everyone hides their beers behind their backs. Suspicious, Rex Banner demands, "What kind of pet shop is filled with rambunctious yahoos and hot jazz music at 1 a.m.?" After thinking it over, Moe offers, "Um.. the best damn pet shop in town!" to which everyone holds their beers above their heads and cheers before quickly hiding them again.

Later, after the whole incident is settled, Homer proposes a toast: “To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.”

02. Lemon of Troy

Springfield’s historic Lemon Tree is stolen by a gang of ruffians from Shelbyville. Bart, Milhouse, Nelson, Todd, Martin, and Database go undercover in Shelbyville to retrieve it. Hilarity ensues. This episode is sheer brilliance, allowing a whole bunch of minor characters to shine, especially the kids. It’s one of those wonderful Simpsons episodes where almost everything that is said can stand alone as a one-liner, but the dialogue never feels stilted or forced.

Great Moments: After failing to learn Roman Numerals in school earlier in the episode, Bart must determine what the Roman Numeral for 7 is to escape a lion cage. Remembering the Rocky movies, he says, “Wait a minute! Rocky II plus Rocky V equals Rocky VII: Adrian’s Revenge!”

The kids split up into teams. Bart and Milhouse form “Omega Team,” Todd and Database become “Team Strike Force,” and before Bart can assign Martin and Nelson a name, Martin exclaims “Team Discovery Channel!” to which Nelson groans and says, “Your wussiness better come in handy.”

And then, one of my favorite Simpsons exchanges of all time, between Bart and his Shelbyville equivalent while Bart is undercover:

   Shelby: We just got word there's Springfield kids in town.

            [all the kids growl]

        Bart: Curse those handsome devils!

01. You Only Move Twice

This is it. The pinnacle. I have never seen and am sure I never WILL see
an episode as brilliant as You Only Move Twice. Homer gets a job he’s
actually GOOD at for once, only his boss is an evil genius (but a nice guy!)
and his family hates their new town. Albert Brooks as Hank Scorpio is
hands down the funniest guest appearance in any episode. Every one of
his lines is pure gold. Marge’s descent into alcoholism (“I’ve found myself
drinking a glass of wine every day! I know doctors say you should drink a
glass and a half but I just can't drink that much!”), Lisa’s allergies to
everything, and Bart being forced into a remedial class are all hilarious,
but Scorpio and Homer steal the show.

Great Moments: To demonstrate said show-stealing, I believe these will
do nicely:

 Hank: Hi, Homer. What can I do for you?

Homer: Sir, I need to know where I can get some business hammocks.

 Hank: Hammocks? My goodness, what an idea. Why didn't I think of that?

       Hammocks! Homer, there's four places. There's the Hammock Hut,

   that's on third.

Homer: Uh-huh.

 Hank: There's Hammocks-R-Us, that's on third too. You got

       Put-Your-Butt-There.

Homer: Mm-Hmm.

 Hank: That's on third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot... Matter of fact,

       they're all in the same complex; it's the hammock complex on

       third.

Homer: Oh, the hammock district.

 Hank: That's right.

 Hank: By the way, Homer, what's your least favorite country: Italy or

       France?

Homer: France.

 Hank: [chuckles]  Nobody ever says Italy.  [sets the coordinates of a

       giant laser gun]

Hank: If you need anything, you call me.

Homer: All right. What's the number?

 Hank: I've never had to call my own company. Someone will tell you

       upstairs. But, Homer, on your way out, if you wanna kill

       somebody, it would help a lot.

Fucking hell, that’s funny. Nothing on TV will ever be written like that again. 
And so, as The Simpsons continues to be unfunny and they plan to 
release a movie in celebration, I have appreciated this retrospective on what 
used to be Television’s Greatest Show.