ATTN: 50 Cent & Cam'ron

vs.

Listen. Both of you guys have made a pretty good showing so far. 50, I give you props for not mentioning your cock once in “Funeral Music,” and it ending up a pretty decent diss track, even though you look silly waving so many guns in the video. Cam, you get points because everything you’ve aimed at 50 so far has been fucking hilarious. So, this could turn in to a long-running hip-hop feud (which would be awesome) but I just gotta warn you guys about something.

Both your crews suck. Tony Yayo? Jim Jones? Come on. Plus, there’s like four guys in G-Unit now. They keep trying to back you up, but they just sorta end up making you sound silly. Yeah, every once in a while Juelz says something pretty great and I enjoy Young Buck despite myself, but they really do more harm than good.

So here’s how I will settle this feud: Rappers are notorious for having really silly names in real life, to the point where I can’t blame them for renaming themselves stupid shit. So right here, right now, Swim Through Frequencies settles the Diplomats vs. G-Unit Feud, declaring which ever group’s rappers have sillier names the winner.

For starters, we have “Curtis James Jackson, III” and “Cameron Giles.” This one’s easy. Hell, Cam’s name is actually pretty cool.
Winner: 50 Cent

Alright, now we have “Christopher Charles Lloyd” vs. “Joseph Guillermo Jones, II.” Slightly tougher, but Lloyd Banks’ has to take this one. Plus, I give Lloyd points for having the balls to take arguably the geekiest of his three named and make it his hip-hop moniker.
Winner: Lloyd Banks

Moving on, we go to “Marvin Bernard” and “LaRon Louis James.” Jesus H. Christ, who is naming these G-Unit cats, the British aristocracy? I know Cam picked on Curtis already, but you could write an awesome diss track about “Marvin,” if Tony Yayo was even worth dissing.
Winner: Tony Yayo

Last but not least, we have “David Darnell Brown” and… hell, I have never heard of any of the rest of The Diplomats, even though there are like a million of them. Cheating slightly, I’ll pick Freekey Zekey, cause even his rap name is retarded. Sure enough, we get “Ezekiel Jiles” which is pretty lame, I guess. His next album’s called The Book of Ezekiel, though, which is kinda sweet. Plus, there’s something about “Darnell”…
Winner: Young Buck

So there you go! A clean sweep by G-Unit over The Diplomats! Who’da thunk it? Swim Through Frequencies would like to thank all of the participants today, and would like to remind both teams that we’re all winners, when you think about it.