Please Go Away #2: Gym Class Heroes

"Ba ba da da!"


How could you not want to beat the shit out of that guy?

"Cupid's Chokehold" by Gym Class Heroes is one of the dumbest songs I've ever heard. Let's get one thing perfectly clear: It's not a "cover" of a Supertramp song. That implies that Supertramp wrote those God-awful lyrics and performed them originally. Not the case. It samples the song "Breakfast in America" by Supertramp, which is guess is another attempt by GCH to prove to the world they have ANY sort of hip-hop ability.

Cause they don't.

I hate on this song a lot around my friend Chris, who defends it with the words "It's Catchy!" which is the second-worst defense of a song ("It's Cute!") in the entire world. Anything can be catchy, you just need rhythm and the ability to play up to three power chords.

The thing about rap-rock is that it is almost exclusively made by "artists" with minimal skill or understanding of either genre. See Insane Clown Posse, Limp Bizkit, Kid Rock, etc. Gym Class Heroes is a bit of a different beast than those other artists, because instead of infusing some sort of shit-tastic Nu-Metal chug-a-chugs in their music, they meander toward softer, funkier, poppier instrumentation. And Travis McCoy, instead of resorting to shitty lyrics about kicking someone's ass or being super duper mad n' stuff, instead resorts to shitty Nu-Emo lyrics.

The song that got them "discovered!" by Patrick Stump was called "Taxi Driver," and it was a narrative of some sort incorporating the names of several terrible bands (and also Jets to Brazil).

Example:

"Not once not twice she was thrice times a lady
Mackin on brand new but I had to
Bounce over to the postal service to pick up these pills
To take care of my nervousness"

That just doesn't make any sense. Especially the random-ass Brand New line. On top of that, GZA has written at least two songs that do this same exact thing, only not lame.

Back to "Cupid's Chokehold," though. I guess if I had to choose, my biggest problem with GCH is that they pretend for even a SECOND that they're hip-hop. Guy barely raps in the first place, and his lyrics are sillier than a Shifty Shellshock song. I'll actually give him credit for the line "If I had to choose her or the sun, I'd be one nocturnal son of a gun," because that actually uses some imagination. Unfortunately for Travis, any line with a hint of style is destroyed by shit like, "I love it when she calls my phone, she's even got her very own ringtone. If that ain't love I don't know what love is."

No, fucker, apparently you don't.