An Open Letter to Curtis Jackson

Dear Mr. Cent,

I would like to present you with an idea for your next album. I know you already have Curtis all revved up and ready to go, but I pray that it’s not too late to reconsider. You see, I have analyzed your recent singles and I see what you’re trying to do here. You really, really want girls to have sex with you, but you also want them to think you’ve got an I.Q. higher than that of a rock.

That’s your mistake.

See, girls are GOING to have sex with you. It’s just something that happens. There is a certain breed of female out there who sees a rapper, whether it be Slick Rick or Rick Ross, and decides to hop right on his pogo stick, (I think I just wrote your next song for you, Curt.) You don’t need to act smart for these girls, you just need to say “G-G-G-Unit!” while popping Cristal in your Bently. Plus, you got shot nine times. No one expects you to be a Rhodes scholar.

So can the thinly veiled sexual references. You’re not fooling anyone. “Candy Shop”? “Magic Stick”? What, have you been reading Harry Potter or something? No, you’re just impressed by your own dong. And I’m not one to judge a man impressed by his own dong, I just want to help you market it as best you can.

With the release of “Amusement Park,” you have crossed a line. You have written three songs about your loose change that are all creepily based around things little girls are into. You are not Herman Melville. Symbolism is not your strong suit, although a song called “The Great Black Whale” might be a step in the right direction.

So here it is. Scrap Curtis.

Call your new album My Penis. Thirteen songs and three skits about your G-Unit. I even have the tracklist all figured out:

1. Intro (Get On That)
2. Firehouse
3. Put Your Mouth on My Penis, Please ft. Ne-Yo
4. Mr. Jackson’s Balls (skit)
5. Big Ol’ Vein
6. Shot 9 Times But They Didn’t Hurt My Wang ft. Tony Yayo
7. Dick in Yo’ Face ft. Cam’ron
8. Allow Me to Slip Into Something More Comfortable (Your Vagina)
9. Growth Potential (skit)
10. It’s Not Really an Option at This Point ft. R. Kelly
11. The Discovery Channel
12. Return of the King Was Written About My Penis
13. Return of the King is Almost as Long as My Penis
14. My Penis (skit)
15. Circle Jerk
16. Let’s Fuck (Remix) ft. G-Unit
    

I’m just saying. Which would YOU rather listen to: An album named Curtis, or an album all about your penis?

I think we both know the answer to that question.

Sincerely,

Scott