Please Go Away #2: Gym Class Heroes

"Ba ba da da!"


How could you not want to beat the shit out of that guy?

"Cupid's Chokehold" by Gym Class Heroes is one of the dumbest songs I've ever heard. Let's get one thing perfectly clear: It's not a "cover" of a Supertramp song. That implies that Supertramp wrote those God-awful lyrics and performed them originally. Not the case. It samples the song "Breakfast in America" by Supertramp, which is guess is another attempt by GCH to prove to the world they have ANY sort of hip-hop ability.

Cause they don't.

I hate on this song a lot around my friend Chris, who defends it with the words "It's Catchy!" which is the second-worst defense of a song ("It's Cute!") in the entire world. Anything can be catchy, you just need rhythm and the ability to play up to three power chords.

The thing about rap-rock is that it is almost exclusively made by "artists" with minimal skill or understanding of either genre. See Insane Clown Posse, Limp Bizkit, Kid Rock, etc. Gym Class Heroes is a bit of a different beast than those other artists, because instead of infusing some sort of shit-tastic Nu-Metal chug-a-chugs in their music, they meander toward softer, funkier, poppier instrumentation. And Travis McCoy, instead of resorting to shitty lyrics about kicking someone's ass or being super duper mad n' stuff, instead resorts to shitty Nu-Emo lyrics.

The song that got them "discovered!" by Patrick Stump was called "Taxi Driver," and it was a narrative of some sort incorporating the names of several terrible bands (and also Jets to Brazil).

Example:

"Not once not twice she was thrice times a lady
Mackin on brand new but I had to
Bounce over to the postal service to pick up these pills
To take care of my nervousness"

That just doesn't make any sense. Especially the random-ass Brand New line. On top of that, GZA has written at least two songs that do this same exact thing, only not lame.

Back to "Cupid's Chokehold," though. I guess if I had to choose, my biggest problem with GCH is that they pretend for even a SECOND that they're hip-hop. Guy barely raps in the first place, and his lyrics are sillier than a Shifty Shellshock song. I'll actually give him credit for the line "If I had to choose her or the sun, I'd be one nocturnal son of a gun," because that actually uses some imagination. Unfortunately for Travis, any line with a hint of style is destroyed by shit like, "I love it when she calls my phone, she's even got her very own ringtone. If that ain't love I don't know what love is."

No, fucker, apparently you don't.

Please Go Away # 1: MIMS

“I can sell a mil sayin nothing on the track.”

I don’t know how “This Is Why I’m Hot” blew up like Raven Symone. The song’s written by a guy who goes, admirably, by his last name, (MIMS,) but called his album M.I.M.S. (Music Is My Savior) instead of just naming it after himself like any good egomaniacal rapper would do. The name of that album is ripped straight from a 12-year-old girl’s away message, and it’s not like his song titles or lyrics do anything to redeem that.

So, like it or not, (and I don’t,) “This Is Why I’m Hot” hit Number 1 on the Billboard Hot 100 a few months ago, sounding like a Rain Man rendition “What You Know.” And, just like when any shitty song makes it big, everyone seems to be OK with that.

Well, I believe it’s my business to get grumpy about things like this because if I don’t, who will?

I can’t say that the lyrics don’t make any sense. They do. The problem is they say nothing. The hook is literally: “I’m hot cause I’m fly / You ain’t cause you not / This is why / This is why / This is why I’m hot.”

MIMS would make a great debate team captain, spouting such memorable, opponent-destroying lines as: “You’re wrong because you are,” and “The U.N. benefits the global community because it does.”

Alright, fine. That’s just the hook, though. Hooks don’t really have to back up any argument; they just have to establish the song title. But the difference between MIMS saying nothing in his hook and any other rapper saying nothing in his hook is that MIMS CONTINUES to say nothing, and seems to be PROUD of it (see above quote).

So, now I guess this guy is putting out more singles. Rap 101 for the Brain Dead. The only way that “This Is Why I’m Hot” has ever given me pleasure is when Lil’ Wayne completely murders MIMS over his own beat, saying the title only once. At the end, when he’s finished and ready to leave, Wayne says, “And that’s why I’m hot,” and then he laughs.

At MIMS.

I smile just thinking about it.