Attn: World

We here at Swim Through Frequencies hope we are not the first/only ones to point out that M83's Dead Cities, Red Seas & Lost Ghosts has the best cover art of all time.
This fact is undesputable.

ATTN: Blogger

Fuck you.
Your formatting, while seemingly simple and user-friendly on the outside, is secretly a hellish nightmare world where cows eat their still-screaming young and lingering souls pray for a death that will never come.
Here's an idea: Instead of giving me text sizes ranging from "Smallest" to "Largest", why don't you join 1996, where people started giving fonts numbered sizes? Ingenious!
Ooh, and I got one: Why not ditch the (apparently mandatory) feature where every picture I upload must be labeled as either "Small" "Medium" or "Large"? This never works out well for anyone! Pictures always come out stretched or poorly condensed.
All I want is for my posts to look homogenized, be consistent within themselves (for chrissake), and not have to worry that if (heaven forbid!) I need to edit a post, my font will suddenly be Goliath-sized for no good reason.
Fuck you,
Sincerely,
Scott.

ATTN: T.I. and/or T.I.P.

I'm trying really hard to be excited for your new album, T.I. vs. T.I.P., and I was doing a pretty good job until I read the finalized track list.
It is, without a doubt, the most disappointing list of Guest Rappers that I have ever seen in my life. Wyclef? Busta Rhymes?
NELLY?
Even Jay-Z and Eminem can't get me excited. Jay's shit-tastic verse in Rihanna's otherwise awesome "Umbrella" was pretty much the nail in the coffin for him, and Eminem of late is just a sad self-parody (although I have always liked him better as a guest rapper, so maybe he'll surprise me).
Why, Clifford? Why would you tempt me with Lil' Wayne and R. Kelly collaborations just to laugh in my face like this? It's not like Lil' Wayne has anything better to do! The man breathes, eats, and shits rap. You could have pulled him aside after filming the "We Takin' Over" video, had him freestyle for 50 seconds and then never spoken to him again and his verse would probably STILL be better than whatever crap Busta talks about these days.
Have you HEARD "I Love My Bitch"? It's like getting fucked in the ear canal by will.i.am over and over again.
I'm astounded there's not a MA$E or a Mystikal collaboration on here or something. At least those guys names look silly printed on a CD jacket. The people you've picked are just boring.
Goddammit.

ATTN: Pharrell

I would really appreciate it if you didn’t release any more songs where you yell “Niggas and Bitches!” at the beginning. I know the song in question (“When the Last Time”) came out in 2002, but I just want to make sure that you don’t do it again. See, I like Clipse a lot, but I don’t think either of those two categories applies to me, and it makes me feel uncomfortable when I sit at red lights blasting music addressed to somebody else. At the beginning of “Izzo,” some guy in the background says “Ladies and Gentlemen,” and I feel like you’d have a much better chance of including everyone if you said something like that instead.
Thanks,
-Swim Through Frequencies

ATTN: 50 Cent & Cam'ron

vs.

Listen. Both of you guys have made a pretty good showing so far. 50, I give you props for not mentioning your cock once in “Funeral Music,” and it ending up a pretty decent diss track, even though you look silly waving so many guns in the video. Cam, you get points because everything you’ve aimed at 50 so far has been fucking hilarious. So, this could turn in to a long-running hip-hop feud (which would be awesome) but I just gotta warn you guys about something.

Both your crews suck. Tony Yayo? Jim Jones? Come on. Plus, there’s like four guys in G-Unit now. They keep trying to back you up, but they just sorta end up making you sound silly. Yeah, every once in a while Juelz says something pretty great and I enjoy Young Buck despite myself, but they really do more harm than good.

So here’s how I will settle this feud: Rappers are notorious for having really silly names in real life, to the point where I can’t blame them for renaming themselves stupid shit. So right here, right now, Swim Through Frequencies settles the Diplomats vs. G-Unit Feud, declaring which ever group’s rappers have sillier names the winner.

For starters, we have “Curtis James Jackson, III” and “Cameron Giles.” This one’s easy. Hell, Cam’s name is actually pretty cool.
Winner: 50 Cent

Alright, now we have “Christopher Charles Lloyd” vs. “Joseph Guillermo Jones, II.” Slightly tougher, but Lloyd Banks’ has to take this one. Plus, I give Lloyd points for having the balls to take arguably the geekiest of his three named and make it his hip-hop moniker.
Winner: Lloyd Banks

Moving on, we go to “Marvin Bernard” and “LaRon Louis James.” Jesus H. Christ, who is naming these G-Unit cats, the British aristocracy? I know Cam picked on Curtis already, but you could write an awesome diss track about “Marvin,” if Tony Yayo was even worth dissing.
Winner: Tony Yayo

Last but not least, we have “David Darnell Brown” and… hell, I have never heard of any of the rest of The Diplomats, even though there are like a million of them. Cheating slightly, I’ll pick Freekey Zekey, cause even his rap name is retarded. Sure enough, we get “Ezekiel Jiles” which is pretty lame, I guess. His next album’s called The Book of Ezekiel, though, which is kinda sweet. Plus, there’s something about “Darnell”…
Winner: Young Buck

So there you go! A clean sweep by G-Unit over The Diplomats! Who’da thunk it? Swim Through Frequencies would like to thank all of the participants today, and would like to remind both teams that we’re all winners, when you think about it.

ATTN: Music Critics/Hipsters

It doesn’t make you cool to pretend that you don’t like the Arcade Fire’s new album. Hand in hand with that, it doesn’t make you cool to pretend like you SHOULDN’T like it even though you admit that you do.

If you can come up with a structured argument against the album that in no way has to do with the fact that they play big, spatial music now, I’ll listen.

And, yes, I know they follow a “Don’t wanna” song with a “Don’t wanna” song, so you can just put that as the “given information” in your proof.